


I Caught Myself

by Likeghostsinsnow



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: High School, M/M, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 02:43:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7490088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likeghostsinsnow/pseuds/Likeghostsinsnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe he wasn't late, maybe he decided to never come back. You thought you could make it up to him today. Maybe show him, try to apologize. But you couldn't do it if he wasn't there.</p><p>And he wasn't. You waited, but he never showed up. So you didn't actually apologize.</p><p>The truth is, you felt bad, and you did actually miss him. A lot. But you weren't going to risk your pride just to show him that much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. But I don't know what I want

It was Thursday, Gerard was supposed to be at your house an hour ago.

It was weird, he was never late. But you didn't want to think about it, didn't want to think about him no coming here anymore.

You didn't mean it. Everything you said that day, you didn't mean it.

Maybe he wasn't late, maybe he decided to never come back. You thought you could make it up to him today. Maybe show him, try to apologize. But you couldn't do it if he wasn't there.

And he wasn't. You waited, but he never showed up. So you didn't actually apologize.

The truth is, you felt bad, and you did actually miss him. A lot. But you weren't going to risk your pride just to show him that much.

So another day went by. Seeing him at school was torture.

He was acting so normal, and so were you. He was by himself, as always, looking so sad, as he always did lately. What would happen if you came up to him and asked him to talk? He would say yes, because he was so into you and you knew it, and because he would never deny a single thing to you. But what would you say to him anyway, after all these months, after almost two years? There was nothing you could say, there were a million things stuck in your throat, but you didn't care about him enough to say them.

That day, the moment those words left your mouth you knew you should've never said them. But it was too late. You saw his smile crumble and his sad little face was back again. So common, so heartbreaking. His eyes looking right at you, but you couldn't look back at him. He was trying so hard not to cry, while you were trying so hard not to let your feelings show through your face.

He left, of course he did, and you immediately started missing that smiled he had just a few minutes ago. You'd never seen him smile like that before, it was so beautiful and it lasted you little. So little it was painful. And it was your fault.

All summer without him felt like dying, couldn't things just go back to normal already?

You glanced at him during lunch hoping he wouldn't notice. There he was, sitting by himself, eating all alone. As always. Maybe he'll come back next week, you thought, but you knew he wouldn't. There was a weird feeling in your stomach that told you he wasn't coming back, and you wondered if you could actually live that way from now on.

Before going to your last class of the day your math teacher asked you to go see him after class. The weird feeling was back, you didn't know what to expect. Or maybe you did. Maybe you knew exactly what was going to happen. You just never saw it coming before.

So you went to his classroom. And there he was, and so was Gerard, but he didn't look at you; his eyes were fixed on the floor as you sat next to him.

"Gerard thinks you no longer need his help," The teacher said. "He thinks you've improved so much since he started helping you out with your assignments that you don't need him anymore, and so do I."

You looked at him, at Gerard, but he just nodded. He never looked up.

"But if you feel like you still need help I could assign you another student to help you out. What do you say, Frank?"

Whatever, you thought. It's not like you need him in your life anyway. He's nobody compared to you. Maybe it's all for the best.

"I think I'll be fine on my own."

And that was the last time you got to be so close to him in months.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fanfiction in english so if you see any mistakes please let me know, I would really appreciate it. 
> 
> It's not in a chronological order, so there'll be chapters from the past and others from the present. Some will be from Gerard's point of view, and others from Frank's (just like this one).
> 
> I know the beginning is a little weird and you might not understand what's going on, but you'll be figuring it out later :) I hope you like it!


	2. You're leaving me breathless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He kissed me. He leaned down and kissed me, hard. Like a man. I'd never been kissed, I was shocked and scared at the same time. I wasn't expecting it. I thought I was dreaming, it didn't seem like a real thing. I didn't want to mess it all up. I really liked him.

The first time Frank and I had sex was the only time I saw his true colors. It was a weird experience. A good experience. My only experience with him that I cherish in my heart. It's a good memory as long as I don't think in the other things that came after that. If I do, it can easily turn into a bitter one.

It happened a month after I started helping him with math.

I'm good at math. I love math. I love having great grades and being a good student. But being social... no, I couldn't do it. I was too shy. Talking to Frank was torture. I really liked him, I had a huge crush on him since always, and being so close to him I couldn't even dare to look him in the eyes. It was too embarrassing for me; I thought he was going to find out that I liked him just by looking me in the eyes. And somehow, I think he did.

That day he was really stressed, we had spent hours on the same math problem because he just didn't get it. Calling himself stupid over and over again. I wasn't going anywhere, I wanted to help him, I was gonna stay as long as I could just to get it done.

I told him he wasn't stupid, I told him he just needed to apply himself a little more.

"Are you calling me lazy?" But he was so defensive.

"No, I'm just..."

"Because it's really hard to talk to you, you never really look at me when you talk and I don't know if you're making fun of me with everything you say. I'm tired of this bullshit." He was getting mad, I don't even know why. Didn't know what to say.

"Why would I be making fun of you?" Was the first thing to come to my mind. He always had all this "popular" thing going on. Why did he care if I made fun of him anyway?

"I don't know, because you're smart and I'm failing?" He said "Because you're going places and I don't really know what to do with my life?"

We kept quiet for a few seconds. Maybe a minute or two before I started talking again. Found the courage to actually look at him when I said it.

"Just so you know, I would never make fun of you, Frank." I was a joke already.

He was my first, my first time. All at once.

He kissed me. He leaned down and kissed me, hard. Like a man. I'd never been kissed, I was shocked and scared at the same time. I wasn't expecting it. I thought I was dreaming, it didn't seem like a real thing. I didn't want to mess it all up. I really liked him. A million things came to my mind in just that second.

He grabbed my face so tight, made me stand up with him and pushed me against the wall. I wanted to tell him I wasn't going anywhere, that I was gonna stay as long as I could. But I could barely breathe. I tried to kiss him back the best I could, but I didn't know if I was doing alright. It felt good, having him so close to me, kissing me like there was no tomorrow... I thought I was dying.

"I've never..." I tried to tell him that I'd never done this when he made me lay down on his bed.

"I know." But I guess it was too obvious.

We kissed, a lot. And when I felt him trying to take my shirt off I panicked. I begged him to turn off the lights, I wasn't ready for him to look at me like that. My body, I've never been fond of it. He agreed, but he left one of the lamps on and I was so stressed. In no time I was naked, right there, in front of him while he was still pretty much dressed. He stared at me, and I thought maybe this was just a joke, that he was going to make fun of me. And I think he saw that in my eyes. I was so vulnerable I felt like crying.

He leaned down and kissed me again, but this time it was so soft. He grabbed my hands, he wanted me to help him take his clothes off. He was beautiful. I never thought I'd get the chance to see him like this. And when we did it, after all the things we had to do just to make it comfortable for the both of us, I felt like this was much more than a crush. It wasn't just sex, at least it didn't feel like it the first time. I felt like he really cared about me, maybe because he actually did that time. Or maybe he's just a great actor.

He kissed my face, my neck, my shoulders. My chest, my hands, my nose. So fast, as he was moving. We didn't talk, that's not how things worked between the two of us. The only thing he said was to keep my eyes open. And I did, for him. It was hard not to close my eyes and let go, get lost in all the things I was feeling, the things he was making me feel. I felt loved.

That's what I love about that memory, that's what makes it a good one.

And then, after we finished, he just stood up, still naked, and locked himself in his bathroom. I didn't get it at first, it just happened so fast. What did I do wrong? I asked myself, and I'll never know. I waited for a few minutes, right there, naked between his sheets, thinking he was coming back. But he wasn't. The whole room was silent. There was no sound coming out of that bathroom. He wanted me to leave, he didn't want to deal with the mess, everything we had done. And it broke my heart.

So I got dressed and left.

Clearly, it was a mistake. And that's what makes it bitter. That's the part I'd really like to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos! :)


	3. No, I don't know what I want

You miss him. A lot. It was hard enough to see him everyday at school, but it was your room the only place you actually had him. It was thursday. Again. And you found yourself alone. Again. Waiting for him, smoking a cigarrette just to keep you company. You knew he was never coming back, but it was just too hard to understand.

You had your boyfriend, it felt like you had a new one every week, but it was never the same. You thought it was just the gay thing, maybe you just like men. It's not about Gerard, you told yourself. Before coming out, before dumping your last girlfriend, before the shit hit the fan. Before you fucked it all up with him.

You don't know what to call it, whatever it is you two had, or whatever it is that you feel for him. It's complicated. Whenever you see him at school he's got dark hair all over his face, dark circles under his eyes, a dark shadow all over him. He's always so sad, he's been for so long, but you know it wasn't like that before. You didn't know how to help him back then, not that you tried, anyway.

If you close your eyes at night, lying down on your bed, just you and your thoughts, you can recall the feeling of his skin under your hands. So soft, always trembling. His lips, the sounds that came out of them. His nose, his back; the tiny, almost unexisting freckles that you could only see by being really, really close to him. You remember him getting dressed in front of you a thousand times and you, catching yourself before reaching out to count every single freckle on his back with your fingers.

You think about all the things you wanted to do with him and how you might never have the chance now. It was hard, admitting how much you actually want him. Admitting you want him at all. Because you miss him, and you can't find a way to fix it.


End file.
